What do I do? Where do I go? Why are there stains in the lobby 
?
- by Yaro Shepherd
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- Learn how to navigate the process with confidence below.
- View Asian massage therapists nearby.
We’ve all been there: you find yourself driving by a certain part of town when you see the sign for a “Massage Parlor” or “Asian Spa” in a spot that doesn’t obligate a massage parlor or have a single person living nearby, and using your Russell-Crowe-like mind you cracked this code and read the sign as it was intended to be read: “Handjobs ‘R Us.”
Instantly your mind is flooded with thoughts: “How much would this sort of thing cost me?” “What do I get?” “Is this illegal?” “Are all the massage therapists here Asian or is that just the style of spa services?” You end up putting the thought in the back of your brain where all unlikely sexual scenarios go-until one day…
Maybe you broke up with your girlfriend, maybe you just got paid, or maybe your internet is down, but you find your mind wandering to the thought of the parlor. You decide to walk in… you know… just to research it, and find yourself instantly lost: What do I do? Where do I go? Why are there stains in the lobby?
Fortunately for you, I have researched plenty of times for an Asian massage near me, and can now confidently tell you the proper way to go about getting wanked off.
1. Dress the Part
First of all, avoid a police outfit. You may think it’s funny, but the girls certainly won’t. You’re going to want to wear something that walks the line between “I just stumbled in here” and “I’m prepared to whip out my penis immediately.” Shorts and a t-shirt are preferred because they can be taken on and off easily. Button up shirts should be avoided because putting them on while you’re absorbed by overwhelming guilt is difficult, and you’re likely to miss a button.
As opposed to all those PUBLIC baths we’re forced to take, living in Ancient Rome and all. Try not to show off and wear your best clothes because a) You’re dealing with women who don’t really care, and b) These types of establishments rarely splurge on luxuries like hooks and hangers for you to store your wardrobe.
Underwear choice is also important. Wear loose-fitting boxers that you won’t be embarrassed being seen in (avoid silk, you don’t want to look trashier than your “date”).
Inner Voice: Alright let’s do this, we’re getting a rub and tug! Woo! Penis: Yay! Inner Voice: Alright so what do we wear? Is this like a formal date? Penis: Who cares, it’s all going on the floor. Know why? Because someone is gonna touch me today!!
2. Act Like the New Guy
Lee’s Oriental Massage Private Bath and Spa is a dead giveaway that you’re about to walk in to a massage parlor where yes, sex is literally on the table.
Picture a wild animal walking into a rave-that’s your inspiration for the entire time you’re at the parlor. Look around aimlessly-the walls, the ceiling, the floor, anything but the girls working. When you’re finally approached and asked if you want a massage, you should simply grunt, nod your head, and continue to look around.
Sometimes you’ll be asked if you have ever been to a massage parlor before, in which case you should say no and don’t really know how this works. You will be asked how long you want the massage to be, and the secret here is to be as frugal as possible. Pick the lowest price, because that’s just the money that goes to the owner; the girls make money from tips. Don’t try to be suggestive of sex at this point, because you’re just going to come off looking like an idiot, and God forbid the escort doesn’t respect you.
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