Top 13 Reasons Women In Same-Sex Relationships Are In Lesbian Sexless Relationships, Not Having Sex As Often As They Want To Or Think They Should Be
Lesbian, bisexual and queer women spend a lot of time fretting over disproving certain stereotypes about our depraved lifestyles: that we U-Haul too quickly, that we process our feelings obsessively, that we jam to lesbian folk-rock music, that we still think cargo pants are cool. And, of course, that our relationships are so frumpy and sexless that they deserve their own macabre moniker: Lesbian Bed Death. Lesbian sexless relationships do happen, and lack of sex in a lesbian relationship can be a big problem.
Lesbian Bed Death is usually discussed as an oft-ignored sign of a dull or dysfunctional relationship, one that has possibly passed its expiration date yet continues existing due to inertia and co-dependence. Yet all long-term monogamous relationships that involve women, even straight ones, are prone to some kind of so-called “bed death.” As Emily Nagoski explicates in this piece about the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire, “when you use male standards to assess ALL sexuality, shit goes to hell.”
So, “lesbian bed death” does happen. But it doesn’t happen for the reasons you think it does, and it’s not necessarily the problem you think it is.
88% of our Sex Survey respondents said that in an ideal world, they’d be having sex multiple times a week or more. In reality, only 38.8% of those in relationships are having sex that much. We also found that only 8% of respondents having sex once a month or less were unhappy in their relationships. Yes, 40% of that group were some degree of unsatisfied with their sex life, but obviously that dissatisfaction had less of an impact on their overall relationship happiness than you’d expect. Couples having more sex were more likely to report being “ecstatic” – the highest option offered on the relationship satisfaction matrix – in their relationship, but there wasn’t a huge correlation between couples who were “happy” (the second-highest option) and couples who had more sex.
Undoubtedly, for most people, romantic relationships are enhanced and strengthened by regular sex: you’re more connected to your person (or people) and there’s an intimacy made possible by sex that just doesn’t happen elsewhere. Also, sex is fun, and having fun with your partner is always a good idea! Personally, I’ve also noticed a direct correlation between “how long it’s been since we had sex” and “the likelihood of getting into a fight.”
But damn, ladies, the odds are really stacked against us! Sometimes we should maybe congratulate ourselves on the sex we do manage to have rather than berating ourselves for the sex we don’t have… because there are a lot of reasons you might not be having it, and the death of your relationship isn’t necessarily one of them.
1. Because When You Do Г‘asualDates ne demek Have Sex, You Have It For A Long Time
“Because sex takes like 2hrs out of our day (at least) it means it doesn’t happen quite as often as I’d like.”
Lesbians may have sex less often than heterosexuals, but we also have it for longer periods of time. Real talk: sometimes having sex with a cis dude can take about five minutes and involve no great effort on the woman’s behalf. Lesbian sex can absolutely be brief as well, but it usually tends not to be. Some researchers have theorized that although lesbians have sex less often, we may not be spending less time having sex. 80% of our survey respondents usually have sex for 30 minutes or more. The average man achieves orgasm in 3-5 minutes whereas women can take 15-40 minutes to get there. Not that orgasm is the end-all be-all of sex, but it is a focus for many people, which means sex requires finding and setting aside more time.
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